


You Told Me You Loved Me, So Why Did You Go Away?

by magnusbicon



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, In a way, Letters, Loss, Love Letters, M/M, Reminiscing, Sad Ending, this is honestly just pure angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 10:06:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17465477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnusbicon/pseuds/magnusbicon
Summary: A series of letters from Alec to Magnus.





	You Told Me You Loved Me, So Why Did You Go Away?

**Author's Note:**

> Something to note: the death isn't described at all, just implied.
> 
> This is by far the most depressing fic I've ever written. Have I ever had to tag MCD before? I think I tagged it by accident once on a really fluffy piece, but other than that...
> 
> This feels weird, but believe it or not, I was an angst fiend in my last fandom. I went through a huge change when I was introduced to malec. 
> 
> I sincerely apologize in advance, and please be careful and don't read this if you think it will seriously upset you! I love y'all. <3

Dear Magnus,

You told me the other day that you and Ragnor used to write letters back and forth to each other when you were too busy to visit, and it got stuck in my head. I’ve never really written a letter before, unless a fire message counts. But I’m pretty sure it doesn’t. Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m doing this, because I’m not actually going to stick it in a mailbox or anything. I’m already in the loft right now.

I think I just miss you, even though you’ve only been gone for a few hours. I guess I got used to being with you every day. I have no idea how I’m going to sleep without you kicking my leg every hour when my snores get too loud (thanks for that by the way). It’s too quiet without you here.

Come back soon please.

Love,

Alec

 

☁︎☁︎☁︎☁︎☁︎

 

Dear Magnus,

I’m kind of an idiot, aren’t I? I keep telling myself that I’m different from the Clave, but if that were true I wouldn’t keep hurting you.

I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t mean to. I’m going to learn how to stop.

I promise.

I’m sorry,

Alec

 

☁︎☁︎☁︎☁︎☁︎

 

Dear Magnus,

I just saw the most ridiculously adorable cat and I had to fight every instinct to not pick him up and bring him inside. He had orange fur and everything. You would’ve loved him, but I don’t think the Chairman would feel the same. We have to teach him some manners. He’s too spoiled.

Also...I saw my dad today. He actually walked into the Institute with his arm wrapped around the woman he cheated on my mom with. Thank god she’s head over heels for Luke. She just laughed right in his face when he tried to talk to her. I was so proud.

And really angry. And tired.

It’s funny. He used to be so hard on me about my own failures, and he feels comfortable showcasing his own as if they’re nothing.

It’s not funny at all. I don’t know why I said that. Old habits, I guess.

Anyway, I hope you’re having a much better day than me, and if not, we’re going to Hunter’s Moon later and drinking. A lot.

Love,

Alec

 

☁︎☁︎☁︎☁︎☁︎

 

Dear Magnus,

You’re asleep right now, mumbling about the horrors of unblended eyeshadow, and all I can think about is how much I want to marry you. And now I’m two seconds away from having a heart attack, because...god, I am just so in love with you. I’ve never wanted something this much in my life, except maybe to kiss you the second you crashed into the Institute and saved me from myself. You didn’t even have to say anything for me to know that there was no choice. My path was in the opposite direction of that altar, in the opposite direction of everything I’d ever been taught, and I was going to follow it.

That’s what I love about you. You say so little with words because the world lies in your eyes, and in your movements. You’re an open book with water-damaged pages, and I’ve reached the point where I can read you clear as day.

I want to marry you, Magnus Bane, and I think you might just want to marry me too.

Love,

Alec

 

☁︎☁︎☁︎☁︎☁︎

 

Dear Husband,

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what you said all those months ago about immortality, and how it’s not a choice, and I can’t help but wonder...is it possible the other way around? Can a mortal (or hypothetically speaking, a Shadowhunter) choose to live forever? Is there a way?

I’ve never heard of any other option besides becoming a Downworlder, but our world has changed so much in the past few years, it seems almost impossible for it to be impossible. But that’s not really the point. I guess what I’m wondering is...would you want that? Would you want _me_? Because now all I can think about is how much I don’t want to be just another memory in that box of yours, and not because of some immature insecurity that I’ll cease to mean something to you, but because…

For centuries, people have left you behind, or been ripped from your grasp. But Magnus, all I ever want to and will do is choose you. I want to give you a forever, not some bittersweet memories that you’ll tuck into a box and only take out on your darkest days. I want to be beside you, holding your hand as you remember all the people who couldn’t stay and know that you’ll never have to go through that again.

You are the love of my life, and nothing would make me happier than being the love of yours.

Love,

Alexander

 

☁︎☁︎☁︎☁︎☁︎

 

Dear Magnus,

Matilda keeps asking me why I look so tired all the time and why my hair is turning gray, and it’s like a knife is twisting around and around in my chest. And you...god, you won’t even look at me, you’re so angry.

I wish I could let you into my heart so you could see that this wasn’t a choice. Not really. It was you or me, and we both know that I’ll always choose you, and that you would have chosen me if the situation had been reversed and you had the chance. You’ve saved me at the risk of your own wellbeing more times than I can count and never once allowed me to complain about it, which is why I know how you’re feeling right now.

It wasn’t a choice, Magnus, because you’re my only answer. You’re the one I turn to when the world seems seconds away from ending. You’re the glue that holds all of the broken pieces of my world together. I know we fought for years to find a way for me to stay, and I know I let your father wash it all down the drain like it was nothing, but Magnus...there was no other way.

I promised I was going to learn how to stop hurting you, and I failed, and I know you don’t have any reason to forgive me, but I need you to know that I wanted this life with you, with Matilda. I just couldn’t live knowing that my survival meant ridding the world of your grace and generosity and unfailing love.

This world wouldn’t last without you in it.

I’m so sorry, Magnus. You’ll never know just how much.

Love,

your Alexander

 

☁︎☁︎☁︎☁︎☁︎

 

Tears drip down onto the cold, silk comforter, creating a darker splotch of gold as Magnus carefully folds up the letters and slides them into the empty box. The loft is quiet, but 14 words blare through Magnus’ head without mercy, carving burning red lines into his brain.

 _You and me, we always seem to find our way back to each other_.

He slides the box onto the other side of the bed and settles under the covers, unable to close his eyes. He imagines Alec, pen in hand, sitting at his desk as he writes letter after letter, and a weak smile pulls at his lips.

His eyelids finally droop hours later with the image tattooed in his mind, and as he falls asleep, he can almost feel the familiar warmth of a chest pressed to his back and the security of fingers intertwining with his own.

**Author's Note:**

> P.S. if you're wondering who Matilda is, that's on OC daughter that I made up for Magnus and Alec. I'm going to be posting a fic soon that will introduce her. :•)
> 
> (a much happier, fluffier fic)
> 
> ((i promise))


End file.
